Time and Anticipation...

So, as I mentioned in my last post, while I've not been posting lately, I have had a few starts. The following is developed from a post I had started a month ago, and never finished.


It is amazing how time creeps up on a person. They say that time seems to move most slowly in youth, and more rapidly as one ages. In other words, as a young person, the expectation is for me to think there is plenty of time, on one hand, and to bemoan the fact that the future is so far away on the other. I honestly have felt like this many times in the past. At the moment, however, it feels as though time is slipping through my fingers so fast, all I need to do is turn around twice and all those valuable years of youth will be lost forever. ...and to what gain?

Perception of time is a strange thing. As recently as 3 months ago, I had a comfortable "6 months" for preparation, and whatever, before my trip, and the leaving of all I've come to know and love. ..and hate. After my cross country road trip in February, I came back with, instead of "6 months" left, having only 2 months. Well, two periods of two months...

My birthday, the 4th of May.

When I first began contemplation for this trip, rapidly approaching two years ago, the time forward had become so compressed that my 20th birthday, the finality of my teens, was practically the same date as my departure. Suddenly, upon returning from the road trip, the time between then and my birthday was equal to the time between my birthday and departure.

Wow.. the conclusion of my teen years, the most difficult, the most formative, the most educational, the most influential years, perhaps, of my life.. So near, so imminent, so unavoidable, so.. unexpected.

No, I knew it was coming.. but, so soon?

To me, the 20's isn't the "play years", the time to enjoy myself, before settling down and becoming an adult. Rather, in my mind, the 20's, the third decade of my existence, is an intimidating, rapidly moving period, in which one must lay the foundations and find the directions which will set the course for life. Perhaps this is an oversimplification. Nonetheless, in my mind, by the time I hit 30, my course must be pretty well set. And here I am, entering my 20's, with no formal education, or even a start on one, no real marketable job skills, only a shaky foundation spiritually.. I feel as though I'm already behind the game.

It's time to get moving.

And speaking of moving..

There was a time when the time gap between where I was and my birthday was equal to the gap between my birthday and departure. Well, that first 2 month period has disappeared as quickly as if it were nothing. ...a mere mirage. Everything I had hoped to accomplish.. well, almost everything I had hoped to accomplish by this point, remains yet to be done. (I've sold $600 worth of personal items, yet my room is still overwhelming).

Not only is the imminence of my trip rapidly approaching, so is the short sighted nature of my plans. A year ago, I "knew" what I would be doing in 4 years. Now, I don't even know what I'll be doing a year from today. But I'm not too worried.. I've got 6 months of relative solitude to think that one over.

It's amazing how the value of something is never fully realized until one has to do without. 

Community.

There is a certain group of friends in my life who, for as long as they have existed as a group, have been the people I felt the most in common with, those who I would prefer to be with over all others. Yet, a year ago, even as recently as 6 months ago, I felt so distant from them, I virtually felt unable to communicate with these dear people. So much has changed in that time..

Now, just as I'm learning the mechanics of interaction, as I'm learning that I can, in fact, be quite a socialite at times, just as the connection is growing stronger at a rapid rate, I must leave. In some ways, I have more to lose by taking the trip now, than I did a year ago.

In a way, there's a sort of Jephthah's daughter feel about the matter. Having made a "vow", I must go on with the commitment, in spite of the fact that a part of me does not want to. Yet, before I go away, I have a last few months to spend with these friends, "in the mountains".. (well, my case, it's only for occasional visits, as opposed to actually living there..). The difference being that:  1) I was the one who made the promise, not someone else, 2) it was a commitment to myself, not so much to God, and 3) my going away is but for a short few months, and then I will have the opportunity to return - as opposed to my life coming to an end.


I've realized, after writing this far, that a conclusion is now in order.. an unending soliloquy on time passing simply will not do..

I guess the important thing is to 1) enjoy the interaction, enjoy life as it is, as much as I can, and 2) KEEP WORKING ON THAT TO-DO LIST, STUPID! haha, but in seriousness, there are times when in Seriously wish I had learned to focus better already.. Where does all that time go, anyway?

Well, to make the best of tomorrow, I must get to bed tonight. So, for the sake of my upcoming travels, I must now bid, adieu!

Am I a Christian? Really?

First off, apologies to those who have been missing my writing the last few months. I have nothing honestly to say, except that I haven't felt like writing. (Or at least, haven't been inclined to finish anything.. having thousands of words of unfinished posts set aside.. ideas which, though captivating for me a moment, came out forced, incomplete..)

But, more to the point of our story..

Lately, the last few weeks/months, (two separate blocks of time), I've come to realize something I instinctively knew all along, but was afraid of admitting to.. of acknowledging in its full starkness. I am not a Christian. By the Biblical definition, I am no more a Christian than Christ was a sinner.

Yes, I just said that.

In fact, it gets worse. Not only do I not fit the Biblical definition of a Christian, the only thing that really sets me apart from the sinful world at large is that I have access to that truth which has the power to set one free. So? What this means is that I have a greater responsibility to be a true light to the world. As an informed and intelligent person (if you want, you may claim this title as well.. but read the following first), I am held to a higher standard. That is to say, I am more guilty for the same actions than another person might be, as I can make no plea of ignorance - unless ignorant by indolence.

And, as a person who sometimes impresses others as a fine Christian young man, as one who knows how to distinguish between right and wrong, as a person who is upright in everything (at least, I can make this appearance, at times), I am already a hypocrite, and at risk of deceiving others. And what could be worse than to take the name of Christ as a justification for sin - that is to say, I sin, because of Christ? What could be worse than projecting a wrong view of Him.. of deceiving others into thinking that this sad, unfulfilled, and desperate life I live is that "life more abundant" that Christ offers..

Wait.. so.. that's what you say.. but what is your justification for that view? How do you know?

Again, I've instinctively known this all my life. The conscience exists in a man for this very reason. Even though I knew this was the truth, however, it never felt real. I knew I was a sinner, but did not feel like a bad person. And if one is not truly evil, what need have they of salvation?

A few things have happened to change this perception:  I began praying that God help me realize my condition.. I began to notice a deep, heart felt expression of remorse and gratitude in others far better than myself, which I simply could not experience.. (I, being the empathetic, somewhat emotional person with a good imagination, as it is..). Spending more time with those I respect for their faith and commitment drives this realization stronger, increases its importance in my mind, and gives me hope at the same time. I've pursued an understanding of the concept of righteousness by faith; a concept so far outside of myself, that I find the entire thought baffling - but I have come to understand enough to realize that it is not the life I am living, yet is precisely that which I desire.

Most powerful, however, is the time I've spent familiarizing myself with the book of 1 John, as part of a memorization effort with a group of friends.

Here are a "few" select passages that have jumped out at me:

1 John 1:
5 This then is the message which we have heard of him, and declare unto you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all.
6 If we say that we have fellowship with him, and walk in darkness, we lie, and do not the truth:
8 If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.
10 If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

1 John 2:
4 He that saith, I know him, and keepeth not his commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him.
5 But whoso keepeth his word, in him verily is the love of God perfected: hereby know we that we are in him.
6 He that saith he abideth in him ought himself also so to walk, even as he walked.
9 He that saith he is in the light, and hateth his brother, is in darkness even until now.
11 But he that hateth his brother is in darkness, and walketh in darkness, and knoweth not whither he goeth, because that darkness hath blinded his eyes.
15 Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.
16 For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.

1 John 3:
4 Whosoever committeth sin transgresseth also the law: for sin is the transgression of the law.
6 Whosoever abideth in him sinneth not: whosoever sinneth hath not seen him, neither known him.
8 He that committeth sin is of the devil; for the devil sinneth from the beginning. For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that he might destroy the works of the devil.
9 Whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for his seed remaineth in him: and he cannot sin, because he is born of God.
10 In this the children of God are manifest, and the children of the devil: whosoever doeth not righteousness is not of God, neither he that loveth not his brother.
16 Hereby perceive we the love of God, because he laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.
17 But whoso hath this world's good, and seeth his brother have need, and shutteth up his bowels of compassion from him, how dwelleth the love of God in him?
18 My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.


Explanation:

First, God is perfect. He is light, and there is no sin in him. (1 John 1:5). He cannot sin, and neither can anyone who is living in Him. (2:5; 3:6, 9)

Second, if I fail to recognize my sinful tendency, I am deceiving myself, and still living in sin. (1:8, 10).

Third, if I claim that I am nonetheless living in Christ, (and even if I don't), and yet do not keep his word/commandments (2:4, 5; 3:4), have a disregard for my fellow man (2:9, 11; 3:10, 16, 17), have too high of a regard for the things of the world (2:15, 16), or am generally continuing in sin in some form (1:6), I am clearly not living in Christ, but, in transgressing the law (3:4), am of the devil (3:8).

Summarized, a Christian should live as Christ did (2:6), as anything less is of the devil, and counts no more toward righteousness than a handful of Mexican pesos could be counted towards the US national debt.

In a brutally honest self examination of heart, it is very clear to me that my own heart is not only not pure and holy, but is as truly guilty as anyone else the world over, if not more so.


And yet I know that God has the power, and the desire to reach me even now. I have not lost hope. To the contrary, I am more hopeful than ever. To quote from a favorite book of mine:

"Christ is the source of every right impulse. He is the only one that can implant in the heart enmity against sin. Every desire for truth and purity, every conviction of our own sinfulness, is an evidence that His Spirit is moving upon our hearts." - Steps to Christ, p. 26.3

Going West

After spending nearly a week in Florida, including about 3 days worth with Petr's boss, we finally made it out of the state, although just leaving took a day or two, due to loading complications, and electrical work on the trailer.

The truck doesn't have air conditioning, so, on account of the warm temperatures outside, the temperature inside the cab climbed up to about 93 degrees Fahrenheit during the day on Thursday and Friday. At night it was still warm enough that, up in my sleeping loft, with all the windows open a little, I went without anything over me, and was still warm enough I switched to a thin polyester athletic t-shirt instead of the cotton t-shirt I was going to wear. I've also not been wearing socks the last few days, going barefooted inside, and just wearing my shoes without socks when necessary. I tried going barefoot while at the beach, and it worked well enough (including around the parking lot), that I decided it wouldn't be a problem. At a rest area where we stopped one night I dumped a bunch of nickels and dimes and a few quarters I had in my pocket in an ice cream vending machine - something I'd only formerly seen in southern California.

The next day it rained, and when it rains around here, it rains as much in a few hours as it does at home in a month. ...as evidenced by the high capacity cement lined drainage ditches and earthen "reservoirs" (as much as 10 feet deep, usually with an outlet somewhere, but obviously contoured for holding water). Daytime visibility was in the quarter to half mile range, and you could almost see better with the windshield wipers off than on. Oh, and the formerly dry ditches along the highway were suddenly running 6 or more inches deep.

The way the scheduling and log book worked out, we ended up crossing through southern Mississippi and Alabama and into Louisiana during the night, and were mostly out of Louisiana before I woke up in the morning. This unfortunately meant that 1) I was unable to make up for not taking any good pictures on the way over, and 2) I was not able to get at all acquainted with the local culture or landscape of Louisiana, that most mystical and intriguing of all states.. Ok, so I did eat at a local restaurant, but that hardly counts for much.

I'll definitely have to come back again some day...

Entering Mobile, Alabama from the east means driving across the Mobile Bay, on a bridge probably 3-4 miles long, before dropping into a tunnel, probably a quarter mile long, with a 6-7% grade or more on entering and exiting.

Crossing from Alabama into Mississippi (Misipi, if you prefer), one is suddenly met with an utter explosion in roadside billboards - by which I'm meaning, a couple dozen in a mile? Something like...

This side of Texas has a lot of trees (as does most of the south). Around here it appears that they get maybe 5x the rain that the Pendleton area does in a year. Texas is an interesting place. Of course, to say "Texas is.." from what I've seen so far would be like someone visiting Coos Bay, Oregon, and speaking of the rest of the state from that experience.

One of the most noticeable features of Texas is the speed limits. In Oregon, a state highway is, virtually by definition, 55 miles per hour. No one sticks to that speed, but nonetheless, that is what is posted. Here, even two lane roads are marked as high as 75. And, being southerners, they drive like crazy too.. (we got passed on the left by a fuel truck in a 2 lane road entering town, but before he had an opportunity to move to the right, a pickup tried to cut between us and pass the other truck on the right).

After all the time spent in Florida, I was going to say that it's the most friendly state I've been in so far - as judging by how likely people are to return or show a smile, say hi, etc. Perhaps it's just the limits of my exposure elsewhere, but it seems people are generally more comfortable with strangers than elsewhere. However, my rather limited exposures in Louisiana quickly threw it a bit higher on the list. Today, here in Texas, I was met by a "Hey, how're ya doin'?" as soon as I walked into a service station looking for a restroom, by the attendant who had a customer. Then, as I walked out, not having made a purchase, I was bid farewell with a "Appreciate it!"

From my limited experienced it seems that the further away from large population centers, or the further south east you get, the friendlier people are.

Today we went to a Mexican restaurant, staffed almost exclusively by people who, from appearances, probably spoke hardly a word of spanish (lets just call them American), and virtually void of customers. The walls were of the '70's plywood laminate variety made to look like solid wood paneling, and I don't recall seeing any (or at least much) exactly hispanic decorations. The staff almost acted as though 1) they weren't used to seeing people in their restaurant, and 2) they weren't used to seeing, or hearing, people from elsewhere. A girl, who wasn't our waiter, came up and was asking us where we were from, and about Petr's accent, and then trying to act as though she knew something about Russia (which she didn't). The monochromatic plate of beans, rice, and tortillas I received wasn't too bad, but it wasn't the best I've ever had either. After finally figuring out our order and providing the food, our waiter, probably about my age, came by about every 5 minutes, asking, "Everything Ok?", as if on a script, running at double speed due to total boredom.

Here in Woodsworth, Texas, population 2500, is the smallest Walmart supercenter (food, clothing, pharmacy, auto..), I've ever seen. Also, this is the first time I've ever walked completely around the inside of a store looking for the restroom before discovering it in somewhere I'd already checked, near where I started.

One could get the idea that there is not a whole lot of money or traffic running through this place..

The Battle Within..

"Prone to wander, Lord I feel it,
Prone to leave thy courts above.
Here's my heart, oh, take and seal it,
Seal it for thy courts above..."


I've always had a bit of a wandering heart. I've always known that my greatest threats were from within, not from without. And it's not just that this is my greatest threat, it carries with it a virtually undefeatable force..

And yet this spiritual wandering, apathy, craving for the unclean, is not all powerful within. There is something else - an internal Masada, an undefeatable, undestroyable fortress, an anchor, that provides the only true constant in my life. A desire to be not only clean and pure, not simply to be useful and productive, but to be a definition of life long, total, all out service to Christ. Unlike the historic Masada, no rampart can be built to the fortress, and the defenders are immortal, not given to acts of mass suicide.

At times this outnumbered force has the support of the indigenous population, and the occupying forces of impurity are pushed back. But indigenous populations are very fickle when it comes to determining which nation they prefer to rule over them, and, inevitably the support switches, and gained territory is lost.

One force is undefeatable by immortality, the other by size, existing familiarity with the indigenous peoples, and presence generally. And so the battle rages on, in deadlock, in back and forth fighting, in face-offs.. and will continue on indefinitely until the indigenous population chooses to fully support with one side or the other. The occupiers have an advantage by default; the outnumbered, by persistence.

The occupying army promises that, if given dominance, life for the locals would be one of ease, of happiness, enjoyment of all there is to enjoy, it paints a very enchanting picture..

Yet the harsh opposition between the two forces leaves a bitter taste, making enjoyment impossible. The minority force clearly has the advantage when it comes to influencing moral..

"The pleasures of earth,
I have seen fade away.
They bloom for a season,
But soon they, decay.

"But pleasures more lasting
In Jesus are given:
Salvation on earth,
And a mansion in heaven.."

The immortal force paints no such bright, enchanting allure, but rather promises the people that life under their control would be one filled with much hard work, pain, privation. And yet, through this, a sweetness and satisfaction will be gained, like nothing else in the world. Further, with sufficient work, it is promised, these Holy lands may be built up to a excellence and greatness not to be rivaled, past, present, or future, and not achievable by any other means.

Work. Effort. Such a dreadful thought. Why strive for something if not necessary?

Oh, but the back and forth conflict is killing the inhabitants, and destroying the land. The war must be ended. The occupying army simply cannot win - and anything short of total victory would only be temporary - which means the only route to victory of any sort is through hard work. And lots of it. Ties must be broken, works of art destroyed, long favored generals and political leaders must be assassinated and opposed, stagnant swamps drained, desert lands irrigated, new institutions constructed, the local population must learn a new language, new customs, a new culture must be established..

"Allure me no longer
Ye false glowing charms;
The Savior invites me,
I go to His arms.

"At the banquet of mercy
I year there is room.
Oh, there may I feast,
with His children at home..."

Oh, it is hard work. Truly it is the work of a life time. Yet this work is of necessity. The young men are being killed, the land laid waste.. this must be put to a stop.

Men and women, young and old, rally to the banner! Stand, fight, by pen and vote, by word and deed, by thought and action, for freedom, justice, liberty, for true happiness.. Fight, that the work of a lifetime may be accomplished, that the hard labors which reap eternal rewards may be taken on. Rebuke the occupying force! Stand against them! Turn not a blind eye to the false pleasures laying waste to the land! Ignore no longer the inevitable destruction! Turn a deaf ear to the false charms, which you well know result in only greater pain and suffering.

Fight, that God's army may be given control. That the King of all the universe, the all knowing, all powerful, immortal, perfect God, may reign over you. A God who cannot be defeated, but cannot have victory unless you, the citizens of the land, swear to Him your unwavering allegiance!

Think not that happiness can be gained by siding with the easy majority. Think not that peace can be experienced by assaulting the undefeatable fortress. Yes, the voices can be ignored till the words are no longer heard, but the presence will remain, eternal.. The greater army is weaker, and yet it is your decision, not the strength of either side, which will sway the battle!

Yield not! Stand Firm! Strive on!

"Fear thou not;
for I am with thee:
be not dismayed;
for I am thy God:
I will strengthen thee;
yea, I will help thee;
yea, I will uphold thee
with the right hand
of my righteousness."
(Isaiah 41:10)